this morning, i couldn't contain the happiness that it bursted within me and let it all out before the Throne of the Lord. no inhibitions, undignified - to the world's eyes. life is good. yeah, it's unfair but hey, truth must start sinkin' in or else you'll be caught in the middle of a drowning misery of life's circumstances. accept it but not to the point of dwelling too much in it...again, you'll be one way or another get stuck up and end up the same way.
reality bites. it surely does. it only depends if you let yourself be gnashed right through and through your muscles OR immediately snag the part that is being bitten and ask for wisdom courtesy of our Heavenly Father with what course of action will we do next.
i feel blessed being consumed by the Holy Spirit during our service. i couldn't stop speaking forth words of praise to the Lord; it widened my spiritual eyes and sharpened my spiritual ears to so many things regarding what was preached by our speaker. i want to be more intimate with God; not because i need to, but i deeply desire to have that kind of relationship with Him. i pray that as i everyday seek His face, my week will be fruitful and victorious. i always tell the young people that everyday, we should exert with best effort to make Jesus happy at the end of the day. it would be crazy enough for me to confess if doing so is a piece of cake. it hurts if we get afflicted but we needed that so we can be shiny vessels; so we can reach perfection and pleasure in the Lord's eyes. "..Be ye perfect, for i am perfect."
i continue holding on to God. there's no one i can turn to during my times of loneliness, storm, and dismay. like this afternoon, i felt that my heart is crushed; i got no one else to express this because it would seem boring and nonsense to others - so in turn i looked up to the Lord, asking Him when will He start working on that area though i know deep in my heart He already knows what's in store for me already on the coming days and years. at the back of my mind i am aware that everything is rest assured to be great...but it just slaps my face and i irritatingly hate it when i think about the possible uncertainties of some things. it makes me scared. and...depressed. for now, i don't wanna think about it. the tagboard's open for suggestions to keep myself busy. uh, but actually...my sked's all maxed out. i just realized, i am busy. it just looks impossible to be up and about the whole time. mamamatay ako nun! i have always thought the thing that our senior pastor has been telling me...time and time again. kept wondering if it's some sort of prophecy just expressed through a mere, innocent joke. my mind wrestles with the thought of whether i will have it or not.
"..there is a time for everything..." yep yep yep. there is. waiting is tormenting if i continue burning a hole on the chair to where i sit. but in fact (a hard-hitting fact that is), waiting should be perceived as a phase of preparing to be more mature and stay connected with God. passing the levels of situations that God has placed in our lives with flying colors and aiming to the next, more complex level is far more important until we reach and fulfill our fullest calling. waiting and doing nothing is stupid; however, doing something and focusing our preparation for maturity while waiting upon the Lord is 100% acceptable.
O Lord, to You alone I cry out in times of desperation
Search me, consume me in Your presence
Let my heart be not blinded by earthly desires,
But may my thoughts be surrounded by Your magnificent power -
What You can do to our lives and showing us
The radiance of Your glory.
Hallelujah. May these words be sealed in the Name of Jesus' Christ. Amen.
God's servant blogged @ | 11:41 PM
i had a great difficulty coping up with my struggles, teachings and the life itself without starting the week dedicated to the Lord - going to a church every Sunday. though being a regular church attendee won't get us to heaven, and only by accepting and living our lives as Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, it is crucial having a huge dose of complete praise and worship and a nutritional Word of God through our God-appointed leaders in church. parang nakakalanta talaga.
for so many times, others with valid reasons..my family and i weren't able to attend our sunday service and it's really proven that a Christian's week won't FEEL complete without it. especially for such a time as this, i'm the midst of storms and thunders and last sunday, i felt so down, i asked my parents to give me a piece of freedom to make a guilty absence from our sunday service. sure, they're not ok with it but later on i felt that i must open it up to my parents. they understood what and how im going through coz with my situation, they have definitely encountered that struggle lots of times. the only difference them and i had is that they were able to still stand as strong as an oak and didn't even consider having a one sunday "break". now i must say that on that particular aspect, i look up to my parents for being faithful and committed to the Lord.
with the weekend ready to greet me but this time with a cheerless face, i have to admit i miss our church. mahirap mag-backslide. nakakatakot. ayokong maging tuluy-tuloy to kasi who knows when will the Lord come back? seek Him while HE MAY BE FOUND. time will come that when we think we WANT to change, it could be the moment that the Lord won't be hearing your small voice anymore...i don't wanna wait for the day when it will be all too late to lift our cries that would appear practically meaningless before His Throne.
i blotted my journal not because i had already overcome whatever i have blabbered just now or out of exasperation, but to share this with all of you guys that i am presently walking through the path of being broken, afflicted, and polished to be more like the Lord and shine His glory to the people around me.
God's servant blogged @ | 12:53 AM
this afternoon after all the intoxicating work i had during the day, i went to HR office and signed a new contract; and this time, as a probi. as the last ink for that signature blotted the contract, i just find it amazing that God has favored my desire to continue my work at that hospital. only God knows when my purpose will end in that place...
on the exhausting side of my work, it's cool to be always up and about my in patient load. haha! funny as it may seem, i kind of liked being on that mode coz aside from the fact that the more load that we have means a lot departmental income, my existence in the department as an additional employee would be more reasonable since 3 staff OTs will never be enough if we have that kind of patient census. well, God has His own way of executing His intricate plan. what i need to do now is to trust Him all the time and just do what i have to do, whether in work, ministry or in my family.
nakakapagod promise! ang bigat ng katawan ko actually ngayon and it deserves a nice rest. what would refresh me and rejuvinate me even more is my wellspring - personal time with the Lord before i go to sleep, talk to Him and worship Him alone in my room without disturbance. from these things i gain strength and encouragement; from this i will always be reminded of the Lord's unchanging faithfulness, grace and mercy throughout all the generations.
God's servant blogged @ | 7:46 PM
"Physical Medicine and Rehab good morning! this is dianne, how may i help you?"
hehe...hanggang kailan ko kaya ito sasabihin no? di naman sa nagsasawa ako but i was just thinking about how long will the Lord place me on my present work.
last thursday, i received a letter of authorization to have my medical check-up and drug testing because my contract's gonna be extended. i'm now on a probationary position, and God knows if He'll allow me to be a regular employee at the hospital. Glory to God and praise His Name forever and ever coz He favored my desire to stay longer at my work.
and here's the clincher: dad told me i must learn standing up on my own! waaahh! all my personal needs, dapat galing na from my own pocket (which happens to look very small and still not capable of offering a handful of financial assistance to my family). arghhh! time to go back to being makunat sa pera. yan kasi ang image ko nung high school, na kung saan fanatic ako ng mga paluwagan at kung anu-ano pang pwedeng gawin makapag-hoard lang ng money. i remember one time puro 10 peso-bill yung wallet ko, as in mula pa nung elementary ako...nung high school ko lang na-start gastusin dahil sa FOOD!
kanina nga lang sa pagpapa-medical ko sa clinic, the money that i used to pay for the lab fee came from my own savings. huhu...wawa naman ako! feeling ko tuloy border ako sa bahay namin. pero sabi nga ng dad ko, dapat ngayon pa lang masanay na ako na nagba-budget.
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ok. bakit gloomy ang saturday ko? kasi ganto...
yun nga, i woke up with dysmennorhea. ansakit! tapos i gotta push myself to get up from my bed so i can submit to the clinic the yucky lab samples. happy naman ako kahit papano kasi di na ako kinakabahan pag may needle na ii-inject sakin :) yun nga lang, feeling ko maga yung cubital fossa ko kasi dun ako kinuhanan ng CBC.
pag-uwi ko pa sa bahay, ang sakit ng ulo ko. i tried sleeping on it for 30 minutes or so and i have to get up again to attend our youth gathering. yung isang side ng head ko masakit pa rin kaya i rested na lang at home. pero yun nga, nakokonsensya akong matulog lang kasi mom's doing the laundry. so my sister and i helped her finish the chore kaya medyo masakit pa rin ulo ko. madalas kasi tinatanggal ko yung eyeglasses ko, kaya nadadamay yung vision ko kaya nagli-lead sa headache. umalis pa kasi ako kanina to have a haircut (di na kasi ako mapakali sa buhok ko...ipapa-rebond ko to this month hopefully) eh nalimutan kong isuot eyeglasses ko.
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pangit talaga yung maging bum lalo na't nasa bahay lang at TV lang ikaw maghapon. it gets you blue and gloomy. it stirs up my emotions and i hate that kind of feeling everytime i watch romantic movies or tv series. especially this moment, im trying to get rid of my feelings for someone who's been captivating my heart for the past 2 years. oh well...ganun talaga eh. first things first and God is and will always be on my top priority.
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my, my. gusto ko na mag-sunday para celebration na ulit of God's love and faithfulness!
pero siyempre...the best kasi sa monday, wala akong pasok! start na ng monday day off ko and it'll last til august. ako na rin ang bagong in-patient queen sa OT department kaya toxic moments, here i come! haha!!!
God's servant blogged @ | 10:51 PM
